008 - public, voice...word-vomit ahoy

[intofireforever]

I'm glad that's over. It was terrifying. I don't know why I thought it was the owls' doing. It felt nothing like that. That thing seriously messed with my head, and I've had more than enough of that for one lifetime...

...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.

Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.

I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.

Comments

private

[scarlet_discord]

They were? Oh God. I didn't know. [She had hoped that at least this Anya had dodged the fire altogether.] I'm sorry. Though...for the record...respiratory problems never stopped Raistlin.

[She blinks, then blushes.] I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Having powers or not doesn't put people above or below each other or anything like that. I was mostly talking about greater ability to defend yourself. Frankly...all the powers in the world won't make your life better or worse unless you use it in certain ways anyway.

And you're not evil. And I don't fucking revile you one bit even if you did kill a version of me.

[She blinks several times and then shakes her head.] I wasn't significant to my father. Only Pietro was. I was nothing but a problem to him. He threw me away at eight when he realized he couldn't control my powers, had me locked up...and when I got out he brainwashed me. He never cared one bit about me as a person. He cared only about my powers, and gaining control of them. I was nothing but a commodity to him.

[She goes silent for a long time.]

For the record, I would have helped you get away.

[At all the self-berating Wanda shakes her head and waves a hand.] No, no, look--no. It's fine. It's actually fine. When I got here I wouldn't have been able to handle it. But I can handle it now.

It's really screwed up that the first person in our weird, damaged, multiverse-spanning clan that I can actually relate to is someone from another world who pretty much did what I wanted to do, except worse. Even finding out these things, I don't plan to shut you out. Truth is, I'm worried about leaving and not being around for you. I want to be the kind of mutant who gives you hope that we're not all going to just turn our backs on humanity, especially our own families.

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[fridgetothefire]

[Anya lets Wanda say her piece, waits quietly while she finds everything she wants to say. Quietly, with cold conviction and pushed out of her, she murmurs,]

I'd kill him for you. I know you don't want to and I'm glad you're not ruled by bitterness, but I would kill him for what he did to you. Slower than mine. It wouldn't accomplish much but I'd do it and like it.

[her mouth quirks after a moment, just a little]

There but for the grace of...someone, anyway? I don't think it's messed up. It's messed up that such awful similar things happened universes apart, but it's not messed up to relate when the parallels are there.

[she swallows, hard]

Even when I'm saying everything, I don't know how to say how much that means to me, that I'm still, that you don't even want to cut me off. But even if you leave tomorrow, I won't forget it.

private

[scarlet_discord]

[Wanda swallows.]

You don't have to. But I don't think I have words for how much I appreciate your outrage. You get it. I think I know what to do about him, even though I have to wait until I'm healed to even think about carrying it out. Neither of us have to kill him, in the end.

Besides, if there's one thing I've learned it's that dying doesn't always stop people. Or...it.

[She smiles sadly.] Of course I don't want to cut you off. My reasons are kinda selfish in some ways--I don't have so many people in my life who understand me that I can afford to just throw you over.

...I'm glad. I just feel...I don't know.

Maybe staying on or coming back wouldn't be helpful for any of you anyway. I hate the way this place is run and if I stayed I'd lock horns with every other Warden because...we could do so much better.

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[fridgetothefire]

[Anya grins. It's a little shaky, after everything, but it's there.]

I imagine the place could benefit from a belligerent reformation or two.

But don't - you hate it here, or you hate a lot of it, even if you've learned things. Don't stay just for me, okay? I've been trapped in a place I hate almost my whole life, I couldn't stand knowing I did that to you.

private

[scarlet_discord]

Yeah, my only problem with it is that...well, in any violent situation about half the people who get hurt are the wrong ones.

[She smiles sadly.]

I wouldn't put it on you if I chose to stay or come back. It would be my choice. Either way, I'll find a way to catch up with you later.