008 - public, voice...word-vomit ahoy
Jan. 31st, 2013 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intofireforeverI'm glad that's over. It was terrifying. I don't know why I thought it was the owls' doing. It felt nothing like that. That thing seriously messed with my head, and I've had more than enough of that for one lifetime...
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
private
Date: 2013-02-17 11:31 pm (UTC)You don't have to. But I don't think I have words for how much I appreciate your outrage. You get it. I think I know what to do about him, even though I have to wait until I'm healed to even think about carrying it out. Neither of us have to kill him, in the end.
Besides, if there's one thing I've learned it's that dying doesn't always stop people. Or...it.
[She smiles sadly.] Of course I don't want to cut you off. My reasons are kinda selfish in some ways--I don't have so many people in my life who understand me that I can afford to just throw you over.
...I'm glad. I just feel...I don't know.
Maybe staying on or coming back wouldn't be helpful for any of you anyway. I hate the way this place is run and if I stayed I'd lock horns with every other Warden because...we could do so much better.
private
Date: 2013-02-22 05:27 am (UTC)I imagine the place could benefit from a belligerent reformation or two.
But don't - you hate it here, or you hate a lot of it, even if you've learned things. Don't stay just for me, okay? I've been trapped in a place I hate almost my whole life, I couldn't stand knowing I did that to you.
private
Date: 2013-02-26 04:19 am (UTC)[She smiles sadly.]
I wouldn't put it on you if I chose to stay or come back. It would be my choice. Either way, I'll find a way to catch up with you later.