intofireforever | 004 - various filters and formats

[Wanda comes on with wet hair and no makeup, still breathing a little hard from her workout. She wears a slightly strained smile, but her eyes are a little wary.]

I'm free now if you want. [Only because she's worn herself out in the practice room, pushing herself as far as the program would let her. Otherwise she would still be in there.]

I just have to make sure the dog gets walked before ten.

Now is fine. [The Admiral was quick to make with her file.] Is my cabin okay? Level 1, Room 02.

That's fine. [Her voice sounds tired, mostly.] Let me put my shoes back on and I'll be right there.

[It takes her maybe ten minutes to come by. When she knocks on the door, she's holding herself a bit stiffly, and winces now and again.]

[When Laura opens the door, the welcome she planned to give becomes a look of concern.]

Wanda, are you okay?

[Wanda blushes slightly; she was trying to hide it.]

Oh, I uh...I'm just tired from practice. [It is partly true. Deep down she knows she is pushing herself too hard.] Had a lot of...stuff...to work off since last Port. [That is true as well. But she'd be exhausting herself anyway.]

I'll be fine once I sit down for a while.

[Laura ushers her in, guiding her to the couch.]

Here, just take it easy. Can I get you a drink?

[She softens slightly at the kindness and goes over, sitting down a bit gingerly.]

Just water thanks. I only drink on Saturdays. [It is literally true. Like everything in her life she has her drinking habits regimented, so she won't give in to dependence. Dependence is very tempting.]

I take it you've read my file?

[Laura pours two glasses of spring water from a pitcher in the fridge, handing one to Wanda and keeping one for herself. She sits down next to Wanda on the sofa, turning to face her.]

Yes, I read it right away--so I'd like to know if there's anything you'd like to tell me about your history yourself. Files don't say everything, and they don't say it from your point of view, either.

[She sighs and looks down as she accepts the glass, thinking: here we go again. Every time she tells the story it gets longer and uglier.] This...is gonna take me a while.

When I first came here, I saw it as a rescue from being dead, and I thought of myself as a well-adjusted would-be hero. So I was really optimistic. People didn't even believe I was an Inmate. Every Warden I talked to figured I wouldn't be here long. [A little, miserable laugh.]

The one thing I couldn't handle was the restriction of my powers. It terrified me because it left me vulnerable again, just like in the hospital where I was tied and drugged, though I didn't know that then. But I got fed the standard issue lies: I'd start getting my powers back soon. Besides, I didn't really need them because the Wardens would protect me. [A bitter twist of her lips.] And besides, all the other Inmates were just as weak, so what was I worried about?

I got paired with some not-bright but nice white wizard who proceeded to feed me these lines and more while refusing to boost my powers. I was too unstable, and I needed to learn control, he said. So I went out and I started training. Iroh took me under wing for meditation and I practiced--still practice--daily. I also read everything on psychology as quickly as I could--which wasn't very fast at first because I had an eight year old's education. Anyway, the point is that I complied, I worked very hard and I didn't cause trouble.

But the longer I stayed the more scared I got. Bad things happen here all the time--not just the sort of crap you'd see in a real world prison but also the constant things the Admiral puts us through for his fucking entertainment.

When Svetlana flipped out and cursed the Barge, it was the worst. I had to be put in Zero because my powers were misfiring all over the place, and Zero gave me giant flashbacks. Meanwhile Wardens were lining up to physically defend her while she tried to kill us, she refused to try and control what she did, she refused to go to Zero where her powers would be neutralized, and finally someone had to corner her and shoot her in the head. The idea that this crazy, selfish bitch could be so popular with the people responsible for my safety, that they would defend her even as she was actively trying to destroy the whole Barge...that was the moment when I really started to doubt that the Wardens or the Admiral had any of our best interests in mind.

I tried to comfort myself by saying hey, I have friends with more power than me now, I can run to them if something gets bad. Hell, one of them even told me he loved me. Nobody in my entire life had ever done that. [Her hands shake, and she sets the glass down and clenches them into fists.]

His name was Franklin. He was an Inmate in a poly relationship with my Warden. We'd known each other for several months. He'd fought beside me. He'd been understanding. He'd won my trust. When Hoffman got turned into a vampire, lost his shit, and started rampaging, it was Franklin that I went to for protection.

He responded by losing his mind, tying my hands and keeping me hostage for three days in his room. My original memories started to surface from the trauma and I got my first flashbacks to my first betrayal and imprisonment, making me even more helpless. My fucking Warden derped around for two days before even noticing that I was missing. It took the concerns of Iroh and a neighbor who noticed I didn't play music anymore to get anyone started looking around. And even then, my Warden didn't even bother to look for me himself. He asked his fucking boyfriend to do it. He asked Franklin to do it.

At the end of the third day Franklin's Warden came in because of something completely unrelated and discovered me. He carried me out. Luke is a good dude. After that I got way too attached to him, but that's another story.

I exploded all over the commnet about what had happened. I couldn't keep it in. I was so angry. I got apologies, but...nothing really changed after that. My Warden dodged responsibility for dropping the ball, and refused to increase my powers so I could feel safer. Instead, he sent me for self defense lessons and got me a puppy I could one day train up into a good guard dog. I slept in my closet for two days, and couldn't sleep on anything with a bedframe for six months after that, and he still found excuses to keep me weak and vulnerable in the short term.

[A hard sigh.] It was at that point that I started to suspect that my Warden was in fact an idiot. And that this whole place was considerably different from what I had been told. I had slipped through the cracks. And after that, the more I paid attention, the more cracks in the whole structure of this place I started to see. Wardens not doing their jobs. Wardens being abusive. Wardens withholding privileges and information for no reason. The way so many Wardens stereotype and disdain Inmates. I had never done anything disruptive or harmful on the Barge; I did my job and went to my trainings. But I was treated with the same suspicion and hardline restrictions as someone like Arthas. I spoke out about it all in anger, and a crapload of Wardens circled the wagons and told me "shut up, kid, grow up and fuck you." Only one or two people would admit that I had any point at all. I m-mean... [She sips at her water to gather her nerves.] how dare I, a mere Inmate, criticize them? Eventually I stopped posting anything public at all. I just...gave up on the idea of being listened to by more than a tiny handful of people. It doesn't matter if you're right if nobody wants to hear you.

The whole time, I had started getting more and more flashbacks and blank moments. My Warden said this was to be expected and warned me that finding out why would be painful. But better that than dealing with the feelings without the context, right? So I asked for my file. And I read. And I found out everything. And my memories came back. I realized why I'd freaked out in Zero and with Franklin. I understood the flashbacks. Suddenly my feelings made sense...

...but then I had to deal with them.

Of course I got suicidal, flirted with too much drinking, became morose and hard to be around, all about what you'd fucking expect. My Warden couldn't handle it. He abandoned me. I got desperate, and latched on to Luke, and started a thing with him. I was hoping he'd protect me. But then he left too. I tried to handle it. I threw myself into my training. But bad things kept happening.

Rex Lewis, who was I thought a friend, decided to destroy the Barge in a bid for escape. And it basically stranded us in this weird place and turned us into the walking dead for three days. That little fucker was defiant to the end even as he left me miserable, powerless and not even alive. As soon as he came aboard, he fell into a coma. I demanded to know if he would be punished when he woke up. His Warden, Capa, was a douche about it. And then Rex disappeared. He came slinking back recently, the smug little creep, and isn't being required to pay for what he did.

I got paired with Steph then, and things were good for a while. We worked together well, we could talk, we got along, and I could ask her about hero stuff. Plus she's basically a nice person and has an actual brain. She even started boosting my powers incrementally, and I practiced like crazy so I could keep control of them. Eventually I got my full powers back, and started training even harder. I started to have hope that even though the Barge is a hellhole and the Admiral a damn sadist, and many of the Wardens corrupt or messed up or stupid, I could at least work with her and get where I needed to be. I even started to tackle the idea of dropping my vendetta against my father.

But even as I wrestled with the idea of letting that piece of crap get away with what he did to me, something really bad happened. Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr showed up. And just like the Xavier on my world, this one was loyal to Lehnsherr. More open and blatant about it, in fact. He immediately started arguing that Lehnsherr should get his full powers back. The idea terrified me, and I had a breakdown. Steph went to explain to him that he was pretty much working to make one of my worst fears come true, and his basic response was "I'm sorry but I don't care." So I begged her to restrict them from bothering me so I wouldn't have to deal with them while I was handling everything else. And she went and told them to leave me alone.

Next thing I know, fucking Lehnsherr is at my door and Xavier is "bumping into me" in the hallway and cornering me for a chat. I tried to handle it and be civil, you know? But inside I was screaming. Just...screaming. [Her eyeliner is starting to look smeary.] It was too much like home. Lehnsherr turned out to be just as much of a pompous dick, and got pissed off when I refused to lash out at the Wardens. Xavier played at being sympathetic, just like in his visits in prison, but in the end he was just the same. The first one I used to beg for rescue, you know? Get me out of this horrible place. And he would say "I'm sorry Wanda, but your father has the legal right to do this and he believes this is best for you. I can't interfere." The second one, this one, I begged for telepathic help with the burden of all these fucked up memories. And again, his response boiled down to "I'm sorry you're hurting but I'm not going to help you."

It just kept getting worse. Keeps getting worse, really. Every day I see them--and believe me, I avoid them--I am reminded again that back home the two of them will never be punished for what they did or even see it as wrong. It made deciding to abandon revenge--to force myself to, by abandoning my world--a ton more painful. And this whole time I didn't have any sort of psych help or meds or anything. So I became suicidal again.

I tried to ask Steph for help. I tried to explain that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I had run out of hope. Her response was typical bootstrap-levitation bullshit, asking me how I planned to soldier on in spite of that. [She gestures helplessly.] I was trying to explain to her that I wanted to die, that I couldn't control my despair anymore, that I needed real help. She took it as my being an overdramatic kid who wanted a mommy. She just did not handle it well. Oh, she tried doing morning meetings with waffles and talking about feelings, but when I actually tried to talk about my feelings she got really uncomfortable and dodged so much that I had to confront her. Next thing I know, she's crying and claiming the Admiral unpaired us. I'll never know if that's really true.

I realized then that the only thing I could do was to do it all myself. The handful of actually caring people on the Barge was nice to have, but they couldn't be relied on. The first thing I did was go to the Infirmary and bug them until they put me on some goddamn medication. I had asked Steph before our unpairing to have a look at my file, and I took a picture of the graduation requirements page so I could study it. I also started training even harder. I had to be ready to defeat anyone who came after me. Besides, having a social life with people I planned to leave behind as soon as possible seemed pointless.

But the Admiral wasn't done torturing me. I went down the list of graduation requirements, at everything I had worked and sacrificed for, and found there was one last thing I had to do. I had to regain my faith in people. Here. In this fucking shithole where I had lost my faith in authority, lovers, family and almost everyone else. [Her lips twist bitterly, and she almost knocks over her glass reaching for it.] So I started spending time thinking on it, and figuring out who was a trustworthy friend, who was fair-weather at best, who was indifferent, and who I couldn't wait to get out of my life. The first group was tiny. The last...was not. But I tried to focus on the few I really could have some faith in, and cultivate the hope that out in the real world, whatever world I landed in, there were more people around worth having faith in than in this place.

Then my third Warden showed up, I get paired, he seemed to at least understand psychological issues and was protective and there when I needed him. He supported my efforts. I started to hope a little bit. Then, three weeks later, Franklin showed back up. As a Warden. And instead of announcing himself, he decided to stalk me into the CES and surprise me there. I don't know what he expected to happen. Maybe he was reading too much Twilight and figured I would swoon even after all the bad treatment. [Her expression hardens briefly.] Instead I knocked him on his ass and had to restrain myself from killing him. Once he scuttled away I was pretty proud of myself, and I told my friends and Warden what had happened. My few real friends were proud. My Warden? He started swearing on the comm channel, got more upset than I was--and then he packed up and left. That same fucking night.

[She stops and forces herself to drink down the contents of her glass so she can calm down before speaking again.]

Since that time, the only thing I could do was continue trying to graduate myself, like Rhade did. Sometimes good things happened, like when Kon helped me get back to the Barge on the slave planet. Or when Rhade agreed to watch my back while I was fixing the Barge after that bitch and the AssHatter made us crash. He ended up fighting off Arthas, who had come up to murder me for standing up to him. So that was good. Gave me some hope. But...not enough, because I'm still stuck here.

[She settles back with a grim sort of smile, and winces as something in her back pops.] The Admiral is a lying sadist who pretends to be out to "redeem" us while torturing us for his own entertainment. The system here has fucking failed me. I have worked my ass off--I still do. I have done everything required of me except the one thing that depends on other people. I have never lashed out or hurt anyone. But I have had it so much worse than many who came here as murderers--Lehnsherr in particular. I should be free by now. It's because of other people's failings that I'm not. But I keep trying, because I won't let the sonofabitch keep me, and I'm sick of having a bunch of people in authority over me. At this point, I'm being unjustly imprisoned by being held to an impossible requirement. The only thing that keeps me going besides meds and an incredibly regimented day is thinking about what I'll do once I'm free.

[She rubs her face tiredly.] That's pretty much it. Sorry it was so long, but I've been through a lot.

Nobody believed that I was an inmate back when I was, either. People see what they want to see, and when you step out from their impression of you, you're a pariah.

[Laura sighed and rubbed at her forehead. That had taken a while, and just listening to it, with all of the misery it contained, had been draining.]

I know that the Admiral's motives are cloudy at best. I don't think he's a sadist, but I can't believe he always gives a shit, either. Maybe he has a boss, and we're just part of some quota he has to fill to make payday. Maybe his idea of morality doesn't match up with ours. Who's to say?

I don't know everyone you mentioned, but I agree, many of them did fail you, more than I can even begin to grasp. Some wardens--I don't know how many--aren't here for the right reasons. Some of them probably shouldn't even be wardens, here or anywhere else...if there are more places like this out there, somewhere.

[She takes a drink herself, finding her throat dry. This is a rather nerve-wracking for her, what she wants to do right now.]

You don't have any reason to believe me, and I'd actually be a little surprised if you did. But I'm not one of those people. I'm here for the right reasons. Even if the Admiral doesn't care, I do. I'm going to earn your trust.

[Another drink of water.]

I don't know if you knew Paddy Maguire. He used to run the dinner shift. When we were both inmates, we were friends, and when he graduated, he eventually ended up as my warden. I didn't believe him half the time when he told me he was here for the long haul, that he'd be here for as long as it would take. I actually tried to sabotage our pairing a few times, because if I could drive him away before he abandoned me, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much.

But he didn't leave. I did some fucked-up things to him, and there were times when he failed me, too, but he never gave up. I graduated with his help, and then he went home. He saved two lives with his deal. Three, if you count what he did for me.

I'm going to follow his example. I'm not willing to walk away when someone is counting on me. Like I said, there's no reason you should believe me. Talk is cheap. I'll prove it through my actions.

[Wanda looks a bit regretful when she realizes that the whole story was hard on Laura too. She seems really nice and Wanda doesn't want to make her life harder. But the story had to be told.]

Well, you listen well to a hard story, I gotta give you that straight off. But it's true that I have to get to know people now before I trust them, and even then it's kind of a trust-by-degrees thing, you know?

The truth is that except for the mess in my head I'm pretty low maintenance. I need into the CES for the dog and the practice room for me on a daily basis, I need my meds, and all I really want that I can think of is a book on healing magic. I don't pick fights with people, the meanest I generally get is yelling at someone, and I have to be epically freaked out before my powers slip out of my control.

I'm not gonna say that my baggage won't matter in how we relate because, well, it's a thing and it's gonna be a good while before I can dump it all. But logically, I don't know that you won't keep your word either. So yeah...I uh mean...let's try this.

I can give you access to everything on your list. I'll request the book before the day is out.

I understand that you can't believe me right now. It's fine. I don't take that personally, because it's really hard for me to trust people, too.

[She takes a smaller sip this time, and sets the drink on the table before the couch so Wanda can't see the glass waver as her hands begin to shake.]

There's something Paddy did for me that made it easier for me to trust him. I could tell you that I understand your pain, that I empathize, but that's a laughable gesture. It's lip service. It would be harder to believe that than it is to trust that I won't let you down, right?

[Laura retrieves something beside the couch. It's a file folder, and her name is stamped on the tab.]

This is my inmate file. I think you have a right to read it, after I read yours. Just...promise me that what's inside stays between us. Even if we fight, even if we get angry with each other.

[She holds the file in front of Wanda, trying to keep her hand steady.]

You have to read it here. This folder can't ever leave my room. Ever.

Thank you.

It's like...I know there are good people out there. I don't deal in absolutes anywhere near as much as I used to. But it's hard to be a really good person, and it's just as hard to single them out in the crowd.

[She stares at the file, and accepts it gingerly, then nods and holds up her hand.]

You've got it. Confidences are confidences, and if I break this one I hope karma kicks my ass hard and fast.

[She nods, instantly alerted to the idea that the file now on her lap contains Horrible Shit. Laura just dealt with hers without judging. She opens the file, planning to do the same. She's a fast reader, and proud of that after struggling for months, but this time she has to go back and reread some of it just to be sure it says what she thinks it says.]

[One thing she's not lacking in, at least when not severely pissed off, is empathy. Her face falls, and she rubs the base of her throat nervously.]

...holy crap you've toughed your way through a lot of Hell.

[Laura glances away for a moment, back to the table. Her mouth feels thick and sticky, but she's not sure if she can pick up the glass without shaking it right now.]

I want you to know that I understand. About your father. I forgave mine because there was something inside him that made him sick. That same something caused me to do horrible things to the people I loved, too.

[She folds her hands together on her lap.]

If I were you, though, I don't think I could ever forgive yours. There was no parasite twisting his mind and making him ill before he did what he did to you. I don't expect you to forgive him. It wouldn't be fair.

[She's not sure if Wanda would want her to call him "your father."]

You will need to come to some kind of peace with the hell he put you through, someday, but only for your own sake....so you can move on and live a life where he can't torment you anymore. He might not deserve that much, but more important than that is that you don't deserve to live that way, letting your memories of him hurt you at every turn. It will eat you alive. You need to put you first.

Edited 2012-11-19 07:25 (UTC)

[Wanda nods mutely as she stares down at the page in front of her. Hell yes, she can get how Laura would understand. She blinks several times, then closes the file and hands it back. There's a sort of baffled sympathy on her face.]

No. Magneto's evil comes from him. Yes, he's messed up from what was done to him, but so am I, and I don't go around breaking people. My brother I can kind of forgive because he's pretty damn brainwashed, but not him. He chose. He continues to choose. I am glad you don't want me to forgive him, because even if I forced my mind to accept that, it wouldn't stick. I've tried.

[She rubs her face.]

Once I get out of here I'm planning to spend a long period just...learning, and healing. Catching up on my education, all the dumb crap like driving a car and balancing a checkbook and getting to class on time. Maybe build some houses with my powers. Things like that. I guess some things, you know, like learning something or getting in better shape or getting your head together...just take time and effort.

You just shared a lot of personal stuff, but...there's one thing I gotta ask. It's OK if you don't feel like answering. But I'm a big one for worthy causes. Some Wardens are out to save someone or a group, or stop a disease, or build a charity. What are we working for besides my freedom?

You don't need to forgive him to move past what he did. In fact, if I expected you to forgive him, I'd be a pretty shitty warden. This is about your rehabilitation, and that shouldn't interfere with your graduation.

[Laura takes the file and sets it down on the table, beside her glass of water.]

I think your plans for the future are admirable. Start small, and take as much time as you need before you jump into something big. You'll be more well-adjusted for it, trust me.

As for my deal, you have every right to know what it is.

[She takes a deep breath.]

The thing that possessed my father, that wanted me for his next host, has taken the man who solved my murder. This isn't like it was for my father, where he only lost control part of the time. Agent Cooper is completely locked out of his own body, and...BOB...has access to all the privileges, resources and information at an FBI special agent's disposal.

[She thinks about this, really thinks about it. Then her expression softens.] Set a good man free and give that fucking bastard a kick in the ass? I...I could get behind that.

[Laura manages to smile at that. There's no destroying BOB, he's literally as old as time itself, but they can keep fighting him--Laura, and the other people from her world. Fight him, fend him off temporarily as best they can.]

I don't want you to feel like you need to rush this so I can get my deal. This is still about helping you.

No...I'll take the time I've gotta take. But things like this.... [she has to hunt for the right words for a few moments.]

...sometimes doing the right thing is the only thing that makes me feel right inside.

[Laura nods, empathetic.]

I understand completely. [That's part of the reason for the charity work.]

004 - various filters and formats

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