008 - public, voice...word-vomit ahoy
Jan. 31st, 2013 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intofireforeverI'm glad that's over. It was terrifying. I don't know why I thought it was the owls' doing. It felt nothing like that. That thing seriously messed with my head, and I've had more than enough of that for one lifetime...
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-07 05:49 am (UTC)[She thinks about this.]
I think I've realized that it's not even him I hate, at the end of the day. He's not the start of the misery in my family, he's just a carrier. I can't forgive him, but...I can keep from becoming a carrier myself. Of...it. The family demon, I guess you could call it.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-08 03:41 am (UTC)[For obvious reasons.]
You won't turn out like him. Just wanting to be nothing like him is a step in the right direction, regardless of anything else.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-08 06:01 am (UTC)Anyway, I don't want to carry around all that hate and vengefulness anymore. It clouds my judgment. Makes me into the kind of person I hate.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-09 02:06 am (UTC)All you can do now is be better, and you already are. You have remarkable self-control.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-09 05:43 am (UTC)It was such an easy trap to fall into.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-12 02:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-12 04:35 pm (UTC)