intofireforever | 007 - [VOICE] - from the infirmary

Sounds like this is the kind of thing best talked about over drinks.

[Paddy would approve. And indeed, when they sit down at the bar, Laura acquires a gin and tonic.]

The truth almost always hurts. But it's a good, productive kind of hurt, like cleaning out an infected wound. The pain is going to lead to better things later.

[Wanda starts out with a hot toddy, because walking the dog is a freezing prospect these days. She hesitates for several moments before answering.]

When I was locked up in the asylum I used to dream that some superhero or another would swoop in, knock down the wall and rescue me. They were the good guys--they had to figure out what my father had done and realize it was wrong. And then they would do something. But...they never did.

I thought it was because Magneto and Xavier hid the truth--which they probably did. But then...[a brief bitter laugh.] then I started meeting other superheroes and having to live around them.

[Laura doesn't take a sip of her drink just yet, choosing to hold the glass between both hands instead.]

Did living near them bring you to some different conclusion? Maybe that they were as flawed as anyone else, as screwed up? As unable to be on top of everything?

[She grips the glass tighter.]

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if those two did hide the truth. But I wonder what you've changed your mind about.

[Wanda sighs, breathing in the steam from her own drink.]

If they had just been as flawed as anyone else that would have been one thing. But with most of them there's a lot of hypocrisy as well. There's this huge disconnect between the image that superheroes cultivate for themselves and others, and how they actually are in person. The truth is that most of the costume crowd here don't give a damn about any individual people that they aren't personal friends with, and would never have bothered to rescue me or help me at all. There are hardcore Inmates here who are better people than them. [Her eyes brim over briefly, and she fights it as hard as she can.]

For a long time here I was furious about that. Only two of these superhero types, Steph and Kon, actually turned out to be good people, and Steph still dropped the ball when I became suicidal. It isn't fair that these people get looked on as heroic when they consider most real-world problems to be beneath their notice. It isn't fair that I can't trust them any more than I can trust your average cop, which generally is "not at all". And it was a huge disappointment to realize that I was kept prisoner and then brainwashed, not because nobody knew, but because nobody cared. Not even the so-called heroes.

And I had to just accept that. That's a pretty fucking bitter pill, but I think I've finally swallowed it.

[She sips her toddy.]

Some people seem shocked when I say that I'm never going home. They say I should go home and "fix things" so it doesn't suck anymore. Like I've got some responsibility to the place where I'll be reminded again and again of what I was forced to go through. Besides, I can't force people to care about me or anyone else. If I'm going to live in a world where nobody loves me, I'd rather it be another one entirely, with no bad memories. After everything that has happened, I think that's my right. Screw my homeworld, my family, and mutantkind.

[Laura's silent for a moment, thinking, about how to say what she needs to.]

One of my boyfriends said the same kind of thing at my funeral. "Everybody knew she was in trouble, but we didn't do anything." He said they'd all killed me. The funny thing about it? He hadn't given a shit, either.

[Now is the time for a good, long sip of her gin.]

So I know where you're coming from. Nearly everyone in my world let me crash and burn without trying; everyone who should have stepped in to help failed me. All those "good" people, they acted like they hadn't known at all the hell I was living in. Like my death was honestly some huge surprise, and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

[She clutches her glass tight, tight. She's gritting her teeth.]

Those 'heroes' failed you the same way. If they had even the tiniest hint about what your father was doing to you, they should have done something. They should have at least tried. It's no wonder you've had trouble trusting people. I did, too. It's the sane response to an insane situation.

[Another big sip. Then she places her hand over Wanda's.]

Fuck going home, Wanda. Fuck it. If you don't want to go back, nobody has the right to lecture you. It's not your goddamn job to fix your society. It's not the survivor's obligation to go back into the same sick environment. Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't understand the first thing about living it.

[She rubs her face. It hurts. Realizing that so many people in the multiverse are such heartless, stupid jackasses hurts.] I used to hang my hopes on the idea that most people were nice, that they were just uninformed and didn't understand, and that they'd care if they knew. Now I realize that most of them just don't give a fuck. I'm sorry that you got caught by that too.

I guess for a long time I had to sit there alone fighting with this feeling that people didn't care because I'm not worth caring about. I mean, if even your father and your brother and the guy who claims to be in love with you, and pretty much everybody else, don't care even when they should and you're obviously in need of help, it's hard not to blame yourself. But that's my realization. I'm not the bad or unworthy or undeserving person in this situation any more than you are. The people who stood by are bad and unworthy, and their opinions aren't worth shit.

The only thing I can do is not to try and earn people's love and support. It's to understand that I have to look after myself, and that ultimately I can't depend on anyone else to do that. My dog is worth a hundred Magnetos. I learned what love and loyalty are from the furball, not from anybody else. So I can't expect it from anybody else. I have to be loving and loyal and protective of myself. And I have to strive to be a better person than all these shitheads who claim to be heroes, but fail completely at being compassionate and taking action.

[She swallows half her mugful to try and hide her unhappy expression.]

It is hard to accept that you didn't do anything to deserve what was done to you; the hardest part of this whole process, probably. I'm glad you've reached that point, Wanda. So glad. If there's one person every inmate needs to forgive to get out of here, it's themselves--and people like you and me, I think it might be the most difficult for us. We want to blame ourselves, because if we'd been asking for it we'd at least have had some kind of hand in what happened to us, right? We wouldn't have been totally helpless. That's how it was for me.

Still...don't let that make you give up on everyone, okay? There are good people out there somewhere, people who will love you and be loyal. You just have to wait until you meet them.

[She stares at her glass for a moment.]

Paddy was my friend before he was assigned to me, but when we were paired, I started being terrible to him. I lashed out at him and tried to hurt him because I was convinced he'd fuck off and leave me alone, too. I wanted to make him hurry up and abandon me before I started to believe him when he said he wasn't going anywhere.

[She swallows deeply, and there's a click in her throat. This is still something that makes her sick to the very depths of her being.]

I tried to do...something horrendous to him, and he still didn't walk away.

[She takes another drink, finding herself suddenly parched.]

The point is...don't trust easily, but be willing to entertain the idea. Not everyone will fail you. I...

I'll be here to see this through with you. No matter how long the Admiral decides to knock me out for, I'll wake back up and be here.

Edited 2013-01-05 02:04 (UTC)

I'm not giving up on everyone. I can't. If I do I have no reason to do anything even remotely heroic. I can't go reminding myself that most of the people in any given situation are selfish and thoughtless and wouldn't return the favor when I save them from something. I have to focus on reminding myself that some of them are good and deserving, or at least have good and deserving relatives who would be hurt if they lost them.

[She swallows the lump in her throat.] I don't know if there's anyone out there who will love me and be loyal. I have to hang my hopes on myself, because life doesn't give people what they deserve. And really I feel like another serious disappointment right now is gonna push me away from people altogether. It's part of why I stopped dating.

I know not everyone's gonna disappoint me. But...

[She has to finish her toddy while she gathers her thoughts. She slides it toward the bartender on duty and orders a Grasshopper.]

I know better now than to automatically take someone at their word when they call themselves a hero, a leader or a public servant. I know better now than to subordinate myself to any person or organization. I'll cooperate with people, I'll support people, but...I won't be their subject. I won't let myself get put in the same situation I'm forced into here. I won't be joining the X-Men or the Avengers or SHIELD or anything like that. I won't be cooperating with any governments or otherwise giving some out-of-touch higher-up the chance to fuck me over or trick me into doing something evil.

[She goes quiet as Laura talks about Paddy and what she did.]

I can...see why you would do something bad to push the guy away. The idea has gone through my head, you know? You get screwed enough by the Warden system, and see so many so-called good guys do so many stupid, arrogant, insensitive or even evil things, and...well. In my case, I really didn't want someone else getting a Wish when I'm the one who has worked my ass off and suffered trying to satisfy your crazy asshole boss for so damn long.

But you don't have to worry about me doing that. Freeing this guy Cooper sounds like a worthy cause to me, and I don't want to fuck things up for you either.

I don't expect you to believe me when I say this, but I'd be here for you even if the Admiral decided to take back my deal. Not any random inmate I might have been paired with if not you, I don't think, but...

[She swirls the glass around a bit, and then swallows the rest of her drink.]

...after what my life was like, and knowing yours, I want to do for you what Paddy did for me.

[The glass clinks down against the bar again and she signals for another one of the same.]

I don't know what the Admiral gets out of all this, if anything. To be honest, I don't really think of him much until he makes his announcements, or I'm thinking over my deal.

But thank you, for wanting this to work out for me. I wanted Paddy to get his deal, too--it was to save a girl's life--but since I didn't expect to ever graduate, I thought the only way he'd get it was to request a different inmate.

[She drinks from her fresh glass.]

I really hope you have more faith in yourself than I did in me, when I was in your shoes. I know you're going to graduate with flying colors.

Yeah, well, I appreciate it. It's hard to smile right now or seem sincere or anything but bitter and fucking tired, but it's true.

As for the Admiral, he gets entertainment. Why do you think he goes out of his way to make us suffer, lose our innocence, and backslide? It's fun for him. Redemption and a second chance are both cool ideas, but it doesn't change the fact that he's a monster.

[Wanda swallows, and looks out the window, a tear escaping down her cheek.] I have no faith in my family, in my people, in so-called heroes and protectors. Not in the law, not in government, cops, or God. I've gotta have faith in me. Yeah, I have friends and you here, but once I leave, I'm all I've got. So I have to have faith in myself.

[When she sees Wanda tearing up, Laura forces a bit of a smile in an attempt to be encouraging.]

Good. That's good. Not that you have no one else to put faith in, but that you believe in yourself. It's a great foundation to build upon. Believe me, trying to trust others before you can trust yourself sucks.

[She rubs Wanda's back a little, gently.]

I believe in you, too. For what that's worth.

Yeah, I guess. I didn't used to. I have learned a bunch here, but it really was in spite of the Admiral instead of because of him.

[Her eyes spill over and she wipes at them a bit frantically in her embarrassment.]

Thanks. It is worth something.

...I just get so fucking lonely. But I guess that's what the dog's for.

[Laura puts her arm across Wanda's back, gripping the shoulder farthest from her. She doesn't, however, stare at the other girl's face, not wanting to embarrass her further.]

I'm here whenever you get lonely. Day or night.

[Wanda swallows hard and distracts herself with her drink for a second.]

Thanks. I appreciate that. I don't know. Maybe I can figure out how to write or something once I get out of here....

That takes some guts. I write poetry every once in a while, but I don't think I could ever show anyone. It's just for me.

[Laura puts her drink on the counter and takes a pack of cigarettes and a fancy flip lighter from her pocket.]

I think it could be rewarding. If you decide to go down that path, that is.

I mostly meant write to you and people like Rhade and Steph, but...

...that gets me thinking.

I was going to do this thing, you know, where I sent the one guy from my world home with letters for Lehnsherr, my brother, Xavier and a few others. But maybe I should wait on that. It seems a little pointless in most cases, and my would-be courier is kind of a dick.

I'd love to get letters from you.

[She places a cigarette between her lips and lights it, inhaling.]

Who's your middleman, if you don't mind me asking?

I'll see if I can't find a way to make it happen then.

[Wanda's finally reached the point where she's not begging for smokes anymore, and focuses on her drink, which is basically a mint chip milkshake for grownups.]

Pyro. He's the only one from my world and I figured I could pay him off. But now I'm realizing that he'd probably just broadcast stuff from those letters in one of his bad storytimes.

[Laura grimaces a little as she takes a long drag. She doesn't like Pyro.]

He's a dick. I wouldn't trust him with anything more important than passing the salt...and maybe not even that.

Edited 2013-01-14 02:15 (UTC)

He is a dick. [She orders another Grasshopper.] He's a dick, and he works for my abuser. And if I tried to explain to him why working for Magneto is a bad idea, he not only wouldn't get it--he'd probably make fun of me.

It's why I feel no solidarity with my "people". Between him, the Brotherhood, my abuser, my so-called brother, that hypocrite Xavier and the way ninety percent of the mutants here have treated me, it's clear that they don't give a damn about me either.

[Her lips tremble. This doesn't sit well with her.]

None of them would have rescued me from the asylum, except maybe Jean or Nightcrawler, and...I don't need people like that in my life. Giving them loyalty just because of their genotype would be basically throwing loyalty and effort down a bottomless well.

Save your loyalty for the people who are good to you, no matter what they happen to be.

[Laura drinks down the last of her second gin and tonic and signals for a third. She's much better at holding her liquor than she looks.]

It'll save you some grief in the long run.

[Wanda looks very thoughtful.]

You know, either Magneto or Xavier would probably pitch a fit at me for saying this, but mutants aren't my people anymore, if ever they were. People are my people.

[Laura receives her new glass and clinks the rim against Wanda's.]

That's the way to do it. It doesn't matter what people's origins are, as long as you can trust them.

[Wanda nods, feeling a bit buzzy.] Yeah, you got it.

Oh holy crap, your gifts! [She pulls the two packages out of her bag and slides them over.] I totally derped them for a while there.

Oh! I forgot, too.

[Laura settles the packages in front of herself, but pauses, looking guilty.]

I fell into my coma before I got a chance to write to Santa. I don't have anything for you.

007 - [VOICE] - from the infirmary

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