intofireforever | 007 - [VOICE] - from the infirmary

Hey, it's okay. I'm fine. I'm afraid you missed Yule and Christmas, but New Years is in a couple days, and you have some gifts and stuff.

I ended up with a lot of food for thought while you were out, but it beat the Hell out of the holiday blues. I may manage to make it through my birthday without massive angst this year.

[She groans.]

Of course I'm in a coma on one of the biggest kitchen days of the year. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have none at all, I think...

Did anything bad happen while I was out?

It's cool. I worked in some of the Mary Poppins mojo I've been working on and covered the extra. You want to thank me, open my present first, because I'm in suspense over here.

[She pauses, thinking about it.]

There was a lot of kinda typical Barge stuff, but most of it didn't involve me. Ben went off again, Ladd went off again. Richie graduated, which pisses me off, but it's all jealousy. Buffy left, and Faith decided to cope by being a bitch about it and ended up in a big giant barfight with like, three or four people. I only heard the gossip and online arguing. I stayed out of it because I didn't want to be goaded into anything and end up throwing gas on the fire. [She huffs. Poor Dean!]

The Admiral dumped me in the middle of another bad situation, but I ended up making the most of it. It was where the food for thought came in, though. It really really was.

Where is it? I can't open it if I don't know where it is.

[She sighs at the typical Barge clusterfuck.]

I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I really am. Fucking coma...but I still want to hear about it, if you don't mind talking it over.

Uh, small box, bright red, vaguely cube-shaped. There's also a tablet with something cool on it in the same paper, but that part can wait.

[Wanda smiles a little thinly, but it's a real smile.]

It's okay. You couldn't help it. It was like if you had broken your leg or something. People can only do what they can do.

I kinda want to, you know, get together and talk about that and some other stuff when you're feeling up to it. It's Saturday night and the pub should be fixed by now. Don't know your thoughts on drinking together, so if you want I'll keep it to cocoa.

I'm up for a drink tonight. Do you want me to open my gift now, or wait until we meet at the pub?

Aaactually could you bring the packages along? I have to explain them a little, especially the little one. [She actually looks a bit excited.]

[She gets up and starts pulling on her coat and boots.]

I did miss talking to you. Though I was crappy company for a while there.

Don't worry about it. I can be the worst kind of company sometimes, myself.

I'll meet you there in...about an hour, if that's okay? I want to make sure I'm completely awake first.

OK, yeah, that works, gives me time to walk the Fozz. He's loving the hell out of the snow.

[She signs off to get ready and deal with the dog. These days it's easier, with minor disintegration hexes instead of poop bags. An hour later she's standing at the Warden Area door, trying to sort the things she wants to say in her head.]

See you later.

[Laura arrives at the Warden's door roughly five minutes after Wanda, and gives the other girl her usual little wave and a smile.]

It's nice to see you! Sorry I haven't been around.

[She attempts to hug Wanda, not sure how well that will go over.]

Hey, you're back, that's the important bit. [She returns the hug a little awkwardly, being still kind of unused to them.]

Life has been weird. You feeling OK?

Well enough. It's not right, feeling this tired when I've been unconscious for weeks already.

[Laura presses her item to the door, which unlocks it, and heads towards the pub.]

What kind of "weird" are we talking about, here?

Maybe you should hit the spa or something like that.

[She hesitates, gaze dropping to her boot tops.]

A lot happened at once, and I've sort of figured some things out that I think I needed to. It hurts, though, the truth.

Sounds like this is the kind of thing best talked about over drinks.

[Paddy would approve. And indeed, when they sit down at the bar, Laura acquires a gin and tonic.]

The truth almost always hurts. But it's a good, productive kind of hurt, like cleaning out an infected wound. The pain is going to lead to better things later.

[Wanda starts out with a hot toddy, because walking the dog is a freezing prospect these days. She hesitates for several moments before answering.]

When I was locked up in the asylum I used to dream that some superhero or another would swoop in, knock down the wall and rescue me. They were the good guys--they had to figure out what my father had done and realize it was wrong. And then they would do something. But...they never did.

I thought it was because Magneto and Xavier hid the truth--which they probably did. But then...[a brief bitter laugh.] then I started meeting other superheroes and having to live around them.

[Laura doesn't take a sip of her drink just yet, choosing to hold the glass between both hands instead.]

Did living near them bring you to some different conclusion? Maybe that they were as flawed as anyone else, as screwed up? As unable to be on top of everything?

[She grips the glass tighter.]

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if those two did hide the truth. But I wonder what you've changed your mind about.

[Wanda sighs, breathing in the steam from her own drink.]

If they had just been as flawed as anyone else that would have been one thing. But with most of them there's a lot of hypocrisy as well. There's this huge disconnect between the image that superheroes cultivate for themselves and others, and how they actually are in person. The truth is that most of the costume crowd here don't give a damn about any individual people that they aren't personal friends with, and would never have bothered to rescue me or help me at all. There are hardcore Inmates here who are better people than them. [Her eyes brim over briefly, and she fights it as hard as she can.]

For a long time here I was furious about that. Only two of these superhero types, Steph and Kon, actually turned out to be good people, and Steph still dropped the ball when I became suicidal. It isn't fair that these people get looked on as heroic when they consider most real-world problems to be beneath their notice. It isn't fair that I can't trust them any more than I can trust your average cop, which generally is "not at all". And it was a huge disappointment to realize that I was kept prisoner and then brainwashed, not because nobody knew, but because nobody cared. Not even the so-called heroes.

And I had to just accept that. That's a pretty fucking bitter pill, but I think I've finally swallowed it.

[She sips her toddy.]

Some people seem shocked when I say that I'm never going home. They say I should go home and "fix things" so it doesn't suck anymore. Like I've got some responsibility to the place where I'll be reminded again and again of what I was forced to go through. Besides, I can't force people to care about me or anyone else. If I'm going to live in a world where nobody loves me, I'd rather it be another one entirely, with no bad memories. After everything that has happened, I think that's my right. Screw my homeworld, my family, and mutantkind.

[Laura's silent for a moment, thinking, about how to say what she needs to.]

One of my boyfriends said the same kind of thing at my funeral. "Everybody knew she was in trouble, but we didn't do anything." He said they'd all killed me. The funny thing about it? He hadn't given a shit, either.

[Now is the time for a good, long sip of her gin.]

So I know where you're coming from. Nearly everyone in my world let me crash and burn without trying; everyone who should have stepped in to help failed me. All those "good" people, they acted like they hadn't known at all the hell I was living in. Like my death was honestly some huge surprise, and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

[She clutches her glass tight, tight. She's gritting her teeth.]

Those 'heroes' failed you the same way. If they had even the tiniest hint about what your father was doing to you, they should have done something. They should have at least tried. It's no wonder you've had trouble trusting people. I did, too. It's the sane response to an insane situation.

[Another big sip. Then she places her hand over Wanda's.]

Fuck going home, Wanda. Fuck it. If you don't want to go back, nobody has the right to lecture you. It's not your goddamn job to fix your society. It's not the survivor's obligation to go back into the same sick environment. Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't understand the first thing about living it.

[She rubs her face. It hurts. Realizing that so many people in the multiverse are such heartless, stupid jackasses hurts.] I used to hang my hopes on the idea that most people were nice, that they were just uninformed and didn't understand, and that they'd care if they knew. Now I realize that most of them just don't give a fuck. I'm sorry that you got caught by that too.

I guess for a long time I had to sit there alone fighting with this feeling that people didn't care because I'm not worth caring about. I mean, if even your father and your brother and the guy who claims to be in love with you, and pretty much everybody else, don't care even when they should and you're obviously in need of help, it's hard not to blame yourself. But that's my realization. I'm not the bad or unworthy or undeserving person in this situation any more than you are. The people who stood by are bad and unworthy, and their opinions aren't worth shit.

The only thing I can do is not to try and earn people's love and support. It's to understand that I have to look after myself, and that ultimately I can't depend on anyone else to do that. My dog is worth a hundred Magnetos. I learned what love and loyalty are from the furball, not from anybody else. So I can't expect it from anybody else. I have to be loving and loyal and protective of myself. And I have to strive to be a better person than all these shitheads who claim to be heroes, but fail completely at being compassionate and taking action.

[She swallows half her mugful to try and hide her unhappy expression.]

It is hard to accept that you didn't do anything to deserve what was done to you; the hardest part of this whole process, probably. I'm glad you've reached that point, Wanda. So glad. If there's one person every inmate needs to forgive to get out of here, it's themselves--and people like you and me, I think it might be the most difficult for us. We want to blame ourselves, because if we'd been asking for it we'd at least have had some kind of hand in what happened to us, right? We wouldn't have been totally helpless. That's how it was for me.

Still...don't let that make you give up on everyone, okay? There are good people out there somewhere, people who will love you and be loyal. You just have to wait until you meet them.

[She stares at her glass for a moment.]

Paddy was my friend before he was assigned to me, but when we were paired, I started being terrible to him. I lashed out at him and tried to hurt him because I was convinced he'd fuck off and leave me alone, too. I wanted to make him hurry up and abandon me before I started to believe him when he said he wasn't going anywhere.

[She swallows deeply, and there's a click in her throat. This is still something that makes her sick to the very depths of her being.]

I tried to do...something horrendous to him, and he still didn't walk away.

[She takes another drink, finding herself suddenly parched.]

The point is...don't trust easily, but be willing to entertain the idea. Not everyone will fail you. I...

I'll be here to see this through with you. No matter how long the Admiral decides to knock me out for, I'll wake back up and be here.

Edited 2013-01-05 02:04 (UTC)

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