Laura Palmer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
intofireforever) wrote2013-01-31 10:21 pm
intofireforever) wrote2013-01-31 10:21 pm
008 - public, voice...word-vomit ahoy
I'm glad that's over. It was terrifying. I don't know why I thought it was the owls' doing. It felt nothing like that. That thing seriously messed with my head, and I've had more than enough of that for one lifetime...
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
...After-lifetime? I don't know. Whatever it should be called. I might have a pulse here, but I don't consider myself alive. No deal I could make here would bring me back in my world, and I think I prefer it that way. The White Lodge is peaceful, and there's no pain there. I've been tormented and abused since the time I was four or five years old. Death is better than that, even death at seventeen. So as terrible as this place can be, I'm grateful for it because it let me ascend to the White Lodge. I don't think I could ever completely hate it here, even after things like this.
Wanda? Are you feeling better now? I know I was screwed up at the time, too, but I still feel like I completely failed you. I miss Paddy, you know. He was a better father-figure to me than my real one. I feel so lost as a warden sometimes and I wish he could give me some advice. I think I'd do better by you if he was here to help, even though he made a big mistake with me that one time. He was mostly right on the mark and knew exactly what I needed.
I'm sorry I'm not as helpful to you as I feel I could be, but I really, really care about you. I'm doing my very best.
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I slept with some people here, but not any girls. Dorian Gray--he paid me with opium. Nathan, for letting me stay in his room. Paddy, too, but we were both inmates then. He paid me in cocaine. I don't think I've ever had sex with anyone here that wasn't prostitution.
I'm so proud of you for not killing Rhade when you thought he was Magneto. That puts you so much closer to graduation. You hate him, but you can control your desire to hurt him, and that's more important. You don't need to forgive him to get out of here. This is a big step for you.
Paddy deserves to spend his time with the daughter he brought back to life with his deal. And wherever you choose to go, don't pick Twin Peaks. It'll never be safe there.
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Shy? That's cool, so am I. I mean, some people are overt about their sexuality, and it's cool that they can do that, but I'm still sorting myself out, so I'm just not that confident about it.
I mean, right now it's kind of a moot point because I don't date right now anyway. Nobody needs my baggage to that extent. Yeah, you and Steph and Gaheris and a bunch of my friends had to deal with it, and I gotta figure out a way to make it all up to you. But really what I want to do is get over...all this crap...so I can meet you guys again and be an actually good friend and stuff. Only then do I think I should be thinking about dating or being heavily social.
I just feel like I've got a million things to sort out in my life, and I can't figure out where to go to do it.
[She pauses at the admission of prostitution, and swallows a lump in her throat.] I can't judge. I just know I pushed myself into sex too soon because I was looking for protection, and that was hard enough to deal with.
I guess everybody's got memories that make them flinch when they think of them. Everybody interesting, anyway. But there's no damn point in being ashamed of yourself or beating yourself up. You just don't do those things anymore.
[She thinks about the incident with Gaheris.] I thought that he'd killed Gaheris. I've had the biggest crush on him ever since like two weeks after I met him, and...well, it was really vivid. I guess I got more of a dose than most people. But...
Murder is murder, even if the fucker deserves to die a hundred times. I didn't kill him not because he deserved to be spared, but because of who I am.
I don't forgive him. I forgive my brother for a lot of stuff, but I don't trust him, and I know he won't miss me. But even if I could somehow go home and make a life for myself, I'd have to heal first. I heard about that other Wanda Maximoff, you know. How she went crazy and hurt everyone. That can't be me.
Don't go to Twin Peaks? Okay. Sometimes I wonder if I should try for Middle Earth or something. You know, some place where high aspirations still count for something.
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I don't want you to make it up to me. There's nothing to make up for, really. Wardens are supposed to deal with their inmate's baggage. I dumped mine all over Paddy without a second thought, so I knew what I was signing up for when I made my deal. I'm thankful I get to help someone like you.
This is why it's such a big step for you. You restrained yourself from killing him even though you don't forgive him, even though you think he deserves to suffer. I think he deserves to suffer too, to tell you the truth. But that you can step back and say you won't have a hand in it is huge, really huge. You won't turn into that other Wanda as long as you can do that. You won't let a desire to make him pay consume you, I know you won't. You're strong.
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[She thinks about this.]
I think I've realized that it's not even him I hate, at the end of the day. He's not the start of the misery in my family, he's just a carrier. I can't forgive him, but...I can keep from becoming a carrier myself. Of...it. The family demon, I guess you could call it.
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[For obvious reasons.]
You won't turn out like him. Just wanting to be nothing like him is a step in the right direction, regardless of anything else.
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Anyway, I don't want to carry around all that hate and vengefulness anymore. It clouds my judgment. Makes me into the kind of person I hate.
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All you can do now is be better, and you already are. You have remarkable self-control.
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It was such an easy trap to fall into.
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