I tried to ask Steph for help. I tried to explain that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I had run out of hope. Her response was typical bootstrap-levitation bullshit, asking me how I planned to soldier on in spite of that. [She gestures helplessly.] I was trying to explain to her that I wanted to die, that I couldn't control my despair anymore, that I needed real help. She took it as my being an overdramatic kid who wanted a mommy. She just did not handle it well. Oh, she tried doing morning meetings with waffles and talking about feelings, but when I actually tried to talk about my feelings she got really uncomfortable and dodged so much that I had to confront her. Next thing I know, she's crying and claiming the Admiral unpaired us. I'll never know if that's really true.
I realized then that the only thing I could do was to do it all myself. The handful of actually caring people on the Barge was nice to have, but they couldn't be relied on. The first thing I did was go to the Infirmary and bug them until they put me on some goddamn medication. I had asked Steph before our unpairing to have a look at my file, and I took a picture of the graduation requirements page so I could study it. I also started training even harder. I had to be ready to defeat anyone who came after me. Besides, having a social life with people I planned to leave behind as soon as possible seemed pointless.
But the Admiral wasn't done torturing me. I went down the list of graduation requirements, at everything I had worked and sacrificed for, and found there was one last thing I had to do. I had to regain my faith in people. Here. In this fucking shithole where I had lost my faith in authority, lovers, family and almost everyone else. [Her lips twist bitterly, and she almost knocks over her glass reaching for it.] So I started spending time thinking on it, and figuring out who was a trustworthy friend, who was fair-weather at best, who was indifferent, and who I couldn't wait to get out of my life. The first group was tiny. The last...was not. But I tried to focus on the few I really could have some faith in, and cultivate the hope that out in the real world, whatever world I landed in, there were more people around worth having faith in than in this place.
Then my third Warden showed up, I get paired, he seemed to at least understand psychological issues and was protective and there when I needed him. He supported my efforts. I started to hope a little bit. Then, three weeks later, Franklin showed back up. As a Warden. And instead of announcing himself, he decided to stalk me into the CES and surprise me there. I don't know what he expected to happen. Maybe he was reading too much Twilight and figured I would swoon even after all the bad treatment. [Her expression hardens briefly.] Instead I knocked him on his ass and had to restrain myself from killing him. Once he scuttled away I was pretty proud of myself, and I told my friends and Warden what had happened. My few real friends were proud. My Warden? He started swearing on the comm channel, got more upset than I was--and then he packed up and left. That same fucking night.
[She stops and forces herself to drink down the contents of her glass so she can calm down before speaking again.]
Since that time, the only thing I could do was continue trying to graduate myself, like Rhade did. Sometimes good things happened, like when Kon helped me get back to the Barge on the slave planet. Or when Rhade agreed to watch my back while I was fixing the Barge after that bitch and the AssHatter made us crash. He ended up fighting off Arthas, who had come up to murder me for standing up to him. So that was good. Gave me some hope. But...not enough, because I'm still stuck here.
[She settles back with a grim sort of smile, and winces as something in her back pops.] The Admiral is a lying sadist who pretends to be out to "redeem" us while torturing us for his own entertainment. The system here has fucking failed me. I have worked my ass off--I still do. I have done everything required of me except the one thing that depends on other people. I have never lashed out or hurt anyone. But I have had it so much worse than many who came here as murderers--Lehnsherr in particular. I should be free by now. It's because of other people's failings that I'm not. But I keep trying, because I won't let the sonofabitch keep me, and I'm sick of having a bunch of people in authority over me. At this point, I'm being unjustly imprisoned by being held to an impossible requirement. The only thing that keeps me going besides meds and an incredibly regimented day is thinking about what I'll do once I'm free.
[She rubs her face tiredly.] That's pretty much it. Sorry it was so long, but I've been through a lot.
[spam] 3 of 3
I realized then that the only thing I could do was to do it all myself. The handful of actually caring people on the Barge was nice to have, but they couldn't be relied on. The first thing I did was go to the Infirmary and bug them until they put me on some goddamn medication. I had asked Steph before our unpairing to have a look at my file, and I took a picture of the graduation requirements page so I could study it. I also started training even harder. I had to be ready to defeat anyone who came after me. Besides, having a social life with people I planned to leave behind as soon as possible seemed pointless.
But the Admiral wasn't done torturing me. I went down the list of graduation requirements, at everything I had worked and sacrificed for, and found there was one last thing I had to do. I had to regain my faith in people. Here. In this fucking shithole where I had lost my faith in authority, lovers, family and almost everyone else. [Her lips twist bitterly, and she almost knocks over her glass reaching for it.] So I started spending time thinking on it, and figuring out who was a trustworthy friend, who was fair-weather at best, who was indifferent, and who I couldn't wait to get out of my life. The first group was tiny. The last...was not. But I tried to focus on the few I really could have some faith in, and cultivate the hope that out in the real world, whatever world I landed in, there were more people around worth having faith in than in this place.
Then my third Warden showed up, I get paired, he seemed to at least understand psychological issues and was protective and there when I needed him. He supported my efforts. I started to hope a little bit. Then, three weeks later, Franklin showed back up. As a Warden. And instead of announcing himself, he decided to stalk me into the CES and surprise me there. I don't know what he expected to happen. Maybe he was reading too much Twilight and figured I would swoon even after all the bad treatment. [Her expression hardens briefly.] Instead I knocked him on his ass and had to restrain myself from killing him. Once he scuttled away I was pretty proud of myself, and I told my friends and Warden what had happened. My few real friends were proud. My Warden? He started swearing on the comm channel, got more upset than I was--and then he packed up and left. That same fucking night.
[She stops and forces herself to drink down the contents of her glass so she can calm down before speaking again.]
Since that time, the only thing I could do was continue trying to graduate myself, like Rhade did. Sometimes good things happened, like when Kon helped me get back to the Barge on the slave planet. Or when Rhade agreed to watch my back while I was fixing the Barge after that bitch and the AssHatter made us crash. He ended up fighting off Arthas, who had come up to murder me for standing up to him. So that was good. Gave me some hope. But...not enough, because I'm still stuck here.
[She settles back with a grim sort of smile, and winces as something in her back pops.] The Admiral is a lying sadist who pretends to be out to "redeem" us while torturing us for his own entertainment. The system here has fucking failed me. I have worked my ass off--I still do. I have done everything required of me except the one thing that depends on other people. I have never lashed out or hurt anyone. But I have had it so much worse than many who came here as murderers--Lehnsherr in particular. I should be free by now. It's because of other people's failings that I'm not. But I keep trying, because I won't let the sonofabitch keep me, and I'm sick of having a bunch of people in authority over me. At this point, I'm being unjustly imprisoned by being held to an impossible requirement. The only thing that keeps me going besides meds and an incredibly regimented day is thinking about what I'll do once I'm free.
[She rubs her face tiredly.] That's pretty much it. Sorry it was so long, but I've been through a lot.