[She sighs and looks down as she accepts the glass, thinking: here we go again. Every time she tells the story it gets longer and uglier.] This...is gonna take me a while.
When I first came here, I saw it as a rescue from being dead, and I thought of myself as a well-adjusted would-be hero. So I was really optimistic. People didn't even believe I was an Inmate. Every Warden I talked to figured I wouldn't be here long. [A little, miserable laugh.]
The one thing I couldn't handle was the restriction of my powers. It terrified me because it left me vulnerable again, just like in the hospital where I was tied and drugged, though I didn't know that then. But I got fed the standard issue lies: I'd start getting my powers back soon. Besides, I didn't really need them because the Wardens would protect me. [A bitter twist of her lips.] And besides, all the other Inmates were just as weak, so what was I worried about?
I got paired with some not-bright but nice white wizard who proceeded to feed me these lines and more while refusing to boost my powers. I was too unstable, and I needed to learn control, he said. So I went out and I started training. Iroh took me under wing for meditation and I practiced--still practice--daily. I also read everything on psychology as quickly as I could--which wasn't very fast at first because I had an eight year old's education. Anyway, the point is that I complied, I worked very hard and I didn't cause trouble.
But the longer I stayed the more scared I got. Bad things happen here all the time--not just the sort of crap you'd see in a real world prison but also the constant things the Admiral puts us through for his fucking entertainment.
When Svetlana flipped out and cursed the Barge, it was the worst. I had to be put in Zero because my powers were misfiring all over the place, and Zero gave me giant flashbacks. Meanwhile Wardens were lining up to physically defend her while she tried to kill us, she refused to try and control what she did, she refused to go to Zero where her powers would be neutralized, and finally someone had to corner her and shoot her in the head. The idea that this crazy, selfish bitch could be so popular with the people responsible for my safety, that they would defend her even as she was actively trying to destroy the whole Barge...that was the moment when I really started to doubt that the Wardens or the Admiral had any of our best interests in mind.
I tried to comfort myself by saying hey, I have friends with more power than me now, I can run to them if something gets bad. Hell, one of them even told me he loved me. Nobody in my entire life had ever done that. [Her hands shake, and she sets the glass down and clenches them into fists.]
His name was Franklin. He was an Inmate in a poly relationship with my Warden. We'd known each other for several months. He'd fought beside me. He'd been understanding. He'd won my trust. When Hoffman got turned into a vampire, lost his shit, and started rampaging, it was Franklin that I went to for protection.
He responded by losing his mind, tying my hands and keeping me hostage for three days in his room. My original memories started to surface from the trauma and I got my first flashbacks to my first betrayal and imprisonment, making me even more helpless. My fucking Warden derped around for two days before even noticing that I was missing. It took the concerns of Iroh and a neighbor who noticed I didn't play music anymore to get anyone started looking around. And even then, my Warden didn't even bother to look for me himself. He asked his fucking boyfriend to do it. He asked Franklin to do it.
At the end of the third day Franklin's Warden came in because of something completely unrelated and discovered me. He carried me out. Luke is a good dude. After that I got way too attached to him, but that's another story.
I exploded all over the commnet about what had happened. I couldn't keep it in. I was so angry. I got apologies, but...nothing really changed after that. My Warden dodged responsibility for dropping the ball, and refused to increase my powers so I could feel safer. Instead, he sent me for self defense lessons and got me a puppy I could one day train up into a good guard dog. I slept in my closet for two days, and couldn't sleep on anything with a bedframe for six months after that, and he still found excuses to keep me weak and vulnerable in the short term.
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When I first came here, I saw it as a rescue from being dead, and I thought of myself as a well-adjusted would-be hero. So I was really optimistic. People didn't even believe I was an Inmate. Every Warden I talked to figured I wouldn't be here long. [A little, miserable laugh.]
The one thing I couldn't handle was the restriction of my powers. It terrified me because it left me vulnerable again, just like in the hospital where I was tied and drugged, though I didn't know that then. But I got fed the standard issue lies: I'd start getting my powers back soon. Besides, I didn't really need them because the Wardens would protect me. [A bitter twist of her lips.] And besides, all the other Inmates were just as weak, so what was I worried about?
I got paired with some not-bright but nice white wizard who proceeded to feed me these lines and more while refusing to boost my powers. I was too unstable, and I needed to learn control, he said. So I went out and I started training. Iroh took me under wing for meditation and I practiced--still practice--daily. I also read everything on psychology as quickly as I could--which wasn't very fast at first because I had an eight year old's education. Anyway, the point is that I complied, I worked very hard and I didn't cause trouble.
But the longer I stayed the more scared I got. Bad things happen here all the time--not just the sort of crap you'd see in a real world prison but also the constant things the Admiral puts us through for his fucking entertainment.
When Svetlana flipped out and cursed the Barge, it was the worst. I had to be put in Zero because my powers were misfiring all over the place, and Zero gave me giant flashbacks. Meanwhile Wardens were lining up to physically defend her while she tried to kill us, she refused to try and control what she did, she refused to go to Zero where her powers would be neutralized, and finally someone had to corner her and shoot her in the head. The idea that this crazy, selfish bitch could be so popular with the people responsible for my safety, that they would defend her even as she was actively trying to destroy the whole Barge...that was the moment when I really started to doubt that the Wardens or the Admiral had any of our best interests in mind.
I tried to comfort myself by saying hey, I have friends with more power than me now, I can run to them if something gets bad. Hell, one of them even told me he loved me. Nobody in my entire life had ever done that. [Her hands shake, and she sets the glass down and clenches them into fists.]
His name was Franklin. He was an Inmate in a poly relationship with my Warden. We'd known each other for several months. He'd fought beside me. He'd been understanding. He'd won my trust. When Hoffman got turned into a vampire, lost his shit, and started rampaging, it was Franklin that I went to for protection.
He responded by losing his mind, tying my hands and keeping me hostage for three days in his room. My original memories started to surface from the trauma and I got my first flashbacks to my first betrayal and imprisonment, making me even more helpless. My fucking Warden derped around for two days before even noticing that I was missing. It took the concerns of Iroh and a neighbor who noticed I didn't play music anymore to get anyone started looking around. And even then, my Warden didn't even bother to look for me himself. He asked his fucking boyfriend to do it. He asked Franklin to do it.
At the end of the third day Franklin's Warden came in because of something completely unrelated and discovered me. He carried me out. Luke is a good dude. After that I got way too attached to him, but that's another story.
I exploded all over the commnet about what had happened. I couldn't keep it in. I was so angry. I got apologies, but...nothing really changed after that. My Warden dodged responsibility for dropping the ball, and refused to increase my powers so I could feel safer. Instead, he sent me for self defense lessons and got me a puppy I could one day train up into a good guard dog. I slept in my closet for two days, and couldn't sleep on anything with a bedframe for six months after that, and he still found excuses to keep me weak and vulnerable in the short term.